Feeling better now

Dear Lord

Thank YOU. I feel better now. I cried over things that have made me feel broken-hearted, but it's almost over now. I know YOU are looking after me well.

Lord, when will I be healthy enough and get pregnant again? I feel that I'm getting more ready for that now. I also want to become fitter before I am pregnant. Please help me to get rid of my laziness:>

I love YOU:D

gali

tiny little things I like...

Let me list all the things I can think of that I really like...

1. watching different tones, shapes and layers of green trees in the wild
2. sitting on the roof of Ka-chun doing nothing but watching the moon
3. peeking onto the street to see what people are doing
4. baking mussels in froiled paper with garlic
5. sharing cakes of different tastes with my friends
6. playing ping-pong with my family
7. playing badminton with LYF
8. bathing in jacuzzi of my club house
9. chatting with friends
10. swimming with my bro and sis
11. touching lok-lok's black face
12. with my head lying on honey's dummy
13. visiting the Sai Kung pier
14. Honey holding my hands tightly
15. tasting a skew of fishballs at Sai Kung pier
16. sitting on the bank of River Seine
17. the funny facial expression of my little sis
18. the silly jokes of my dad
19. the sour fish soup of mom
20. the sushi made by ka-chun
21. the soup made by Grace's mom
22. the sound of water inside my pillow
23. the scent after the clothes are washed
24. playing pseudo-piano with my fingers
25. the smile of honey husband
26. the jokes and jargons of my dad
27. all smiling faces
28. lying on the new sofa while listening to songs + looking out of the balcony
29. slowing myself and watching kids troddle
30. riding the bicycle chasing after the moon...

It's late at night now, let's go to sleep!
Goodnight my dear gali:)

Happy Birthday Week

I have a very happy birthday week:D

Last Sunday, whole family gathered in the new flat of ka-chun and had hot hot bbq at the roof! Interesting, we all sweated and ate the burnt food under 32C!!! What I cannot forget is the delicious cake my bro bought me. They sang me birthday song and I just felt like the happiest person on earth. Thank you family, especially my bro and thank YOU.

Last night, I had dinner with SM at Amoy Garden. We ate Shanghainese food. We had 3C noodles, bamboo shoots, jelly fish heads, rice noodles with chicken, vegetarian dumplings and soya milk. Hm...the food is just fine but the chat is excellent! I always feel like being myself in front of SM. It's just comfortable to be with her and I love such a friend! Then, we went to St. honour to pick assorted cakes. I picked three different tastes and she picked one coffee cheesecake for her beloved Kelvin. After that, we went upstairs to her flat and enjoyed the wedding photos with Grace who joined us later. And then it came the most precious moment, singing birthday song and cutting cakes. Wow, simple things make me so happy! Of course, Grace also bought me a cake though I forgot to take it away! So did SM...she also bought me a present and a card and the dinner! Again, thank you my dear friends and thank YOU!

What do I enjoy doing most?

Gali, what do you really enjoy doing?

When I return to heaven, I believe God must ask me 2 questions:
1. Did yo make yourself happy on earth?
2. Did you make the people around you happy?

I would definitely feel guilty in answering question 1! I didn't or I haven't...yet! Not that I don't want to, but I don't know how or I should say I feel impotent to do so. Lord father, please help me. I feel frustrated. I seem like doing things in vain. I'm sick of feeling in this way. Where can I start? What should I start with?

The question: What do I really enjoy doing now? (No idea!!!)

Thinking about my childhood favourites...wow, I enjoy running around, finding friends to play and talk with. I love roller-skating, cycling chasing after the moon. Catching grasshoppers and climbing the trees. Doing the acrobatic things. I miss those good old days so much!!!

Session 3: Beat it with Self-talk

Just a bit tongue-tied today and could hardly express what I really want. Anyway, the message that I got today is to have self-talk whenever abusive horrible scenes come to my mind. I have to conquer and say what is right to mom in mind to justify her wrongs! Ok, I'll try!

Say what is right and that's it!
I've been good enough to mom and it's done!

Dr Chan has also reminded the importance of learning to live properly like a man!

Oh, my mussels

I really miss the delicious mussels I ate more than a decade ago. It's Chez de Leon on Champ Elysee. I wish I could taste them now! Just send me one pot and that'll be good enough! (Of course, more is better:))

Apart from the vision of mussels in my head, I had a wonderful day today. We finished our presentation with success and Prof Fok recognised our effort by prasing us that we are clever in applying different frameworks to different issues. Bravo! Thank God that all members are nice and kind. You know that I really have had bad experiences in working with "group members", actually that means ME working most of the time! We had lunches and we talked, discussed, shared and laughed. We all enjoy working with one another. I especially appreciate Carly's skills in using the ppt. We just had a great time! I feel very happy today!

Stand Firm at Times of Difficulties

It's really a difficult time for me and honey to cope with. The medicines seem not be able to help honey. I can feel that he's really depressed. Something must have happened but he just wouldn't tell maybe because of face problems.

At such times, I tend to grasp things and people around hoping that they can save us. But the fact is that we are ALL fragile with our own difficulties. The passage I read just now tells me to stand firm:

"The best thing I can do is to stand firm and listen for the Lord’s voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out … they know his voice...Take the time to comfortably lie at the feet of your master, waiting for His instruction. It is often heard in our silence and spoken by a small still voice."

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still (Exodus 14:13).

13 Moses spoke to the people: "Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation for you today. Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you're never going to see them again. 14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!" (The Message)

The author called Cliff Young said we can learn a lot from a dog’s loyalty, trustworthiness, and faithfulness to his master. (I hope my Lok-lok is like that!) It all starts by learning to stay, sit, and stand firm.

OK, I'll learn to stand firm and wait.

Session 2: Recognition of My Hurts

Last Friday, I went to see Dr Chan right after my lunch with Clara, Yan and Asta. He asked me how I had felt in the past few days. Well, the feelings are awkward. I can feel my eyes are enlarged outside but very tired inside. Sometimes, I feel scared and my head is stuck and can hardly think.

When he asked about how I feel about mom, I felt like I was about to cry. Tears almost fell down! He said that now that I am an adult, I can be free from her influence. I can fly high and pursue my own life. But the only thing is that I have to recognise all the hurts caused by mom. It's vague. I just don't know how. He said that it's unhealthy to be stuck in the middle of anger, guilt and forgiveness. I can forgive her but it doesn't mean that she hasn't done anything wrong to me. I have to admit that she DOES hurt me. I just feel very tired when thinking about all these past horrible scenes. Dear Lord, can YOU help me find a way out? He spent quite a long time talking with me and told me to come back with answers next time...he said I need to find a fulcrum to help me vent my feelings. (Either honey or him!!!)

When I came out, I saw a long queue waiting! I did feel better after talking to him because I don't have to pretend to be strong anymore. I can just be myself inside the room.

I AM WHO I AM

Gali, who are you?
*************************
+
caring
creative
delicious cooking
eager to help
eager to listen
funny
gentle
good sweet voice
have empathy
humourous
kind-hearted
meek
pursuit of righteousness
sympathetic
tender
with intergrity
witty-minded

-
always unhappy
don't know how to love myself
lazy to do exercise
low self-esteem
pursuit of perfectness
too responsible
too serious about life

Session 1:Rainbow

Yeah, I went to Dr Chan finally today!

He told me that I have depression. As I expected. He told me not to think of my babies as babies. They didn't have nerves and feelings yet! They were just embryos. We just did the same thing like many other parents did. We all don't want them to suffer more. I told him that I've realized my feelings of hating to see babies and to hear pregnancy recently. They are getting stronger...I just hate them! The feeling of jealousy seems overwhelming as well!

Honey and I then went to a vegetarian take-away store(三得素食) to buy something good to eat. After that, we went uptairs to Commercial Book Stores to buy books. I bought one about how to keep pores fine and clean. We also bought the 3M Electric Desktop Paper shredder. Though it's a bit slow and it has limitation, it's still better than the manual one. Lastly, we went home by taxi. On the way home, near Hung Hom, I saw a huge rainbow hanging across the sky for a few seconds. Wow, it's beautiful! as the taxi moved forward, we lost the track of it. It's been such a long time taht I haven't see one, a huge one like this. I remember I used to see one after rain at my childhood home in Homantin. Actually, I know that the one I saw today started at Homantin and ended in Hung Hom.

The RAINBOW is just a sign of hope to me. It matters a lot to me. Thank YOU!

photo taken from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kishimi/994691714/

Sound of Cicadas

I should start to learn how to heal and love myself with the strength from God.

Step 1: Appreciate the beauty of the world around me.

It has been such a long time that I haven't stopped to enjoy the orchestra played by cicadas. I still remember I used to have fun with my neighbours to catch cicadas in summer when I was in primary school. As we were surrounded by nature, a rare living place existed in urban Kowloon area, it's a common phenomenon to see them resting on trees. When we were able to catch them, we would tie a thread on their legs and let them fly, in the end, the funniest part would be we flew cicadas instead of kites. We were all cold-blooded and crazy when we were small. It's a kind of monstrous game. Of course the destiny of these little creatures would be fatal!

This morning, I just stopped in the middle of the road leading to KCR University Station and enjoyed the sound of nature. Wow, the sound is loud and clear. It's just the same one I heard 2X years ago!

Swimming class 1

Yesterday I had my first swimming class with my younger brother and sister at Metro City. I just love it. I love to spend time with them. Actually, I can see we have things in common. We have blood loaded with humour and fun. we all love to play!

Well, my swimming skills are ok to teach them. I just hope that honey can recover very soon and join us for th swimming class. He will be a better coach!

I also hope that my younger brother can learn to relax more and practise maybe a thousand times just to learn how to float! He should have the mindset to think in this way, "If I think I can, I can!" I know it really is a big challenge to him. But he'll just have to make great effort to overcome it! My younger sister is quite good. I always think that she is lovely and talented. Provided that she is hard-working for the practice, all she needs to do is to graspe the correct skills and she will be able to swim well.

Maybe next Monday, we should invite mom and dad as well. I should also go there earlier so that we can have more time to play! Good ideas!

Am I leading a happy life today?

腓 立 比 書 4 (Chinese Union Version (Traditional))

6 應 當 一 無 罣 慮 ， 只 要 凡 事 藉 著 禱 告 、 祈 求 ， 和 感 謝 ， 將 你 們 所 要 的 告 訴 神 。

7 神 所 賜 、 出 人 意 外 的 平 安 必 在 基 督 耶 穌 裡 保 守 你 們 的 心 懷 意 念 。

Philippians 4 (The Message)

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Philippians 4 (New International Version)

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Think:

1. Reread Philippians 4:6,7. What is the result of not being anxious, but presenting our requests to God through prayer and petition with thanksgiving?

2. Sometimes we are anxious about life because we are sitting around thinking about it. What specifically can you do today to live life to the fullest? Do it today!

My feelings and thoughts:

Well, I just find that my life is still in a mess, better say it is still under God's construction. Yeah, it's always a mess in a construction site before the building is completed. Foundation is important and it takes time.

I know that worrying is not good and it's just my habit of worrying things like my family, my future, my life, honey's health...I pray. I do pray, but am I praying in a wrong way? I do tell my worries and wishes to God, sometimes I thank God, but I still worry. Oh, Lord, please heal me and teach me how to do it? How to do with faith and trust? I need you so much.

Maybe the cure is to live one day well. Don't think about much of tomorrow. What can I do today to make my life to the fullest? Let me think...Well, I'm going to CU today for the first class of the summer intensive course. I'll try to be witty-minded but diligent of course to fulfil the course requirement but don't place too much pressure on myself! Just try my best, ok? Then, I'll look at the sofas in the afternoon and go to MK to look for The Message. After that, go for a swim and prepare for dinner. That's it!

gali, you r not bad.

This is what Asta said on Wednesday night. "You are not bad, actually, you are quite good!...Why do you always look down on yourself? Don't empower the influence of your mom and dad's negativeness on you, you have choice and power to control and ignore them."

To be frank, everytime we met, I felt panicked because I always thought that I was the same, no self-growth. But everytime Asta would have something new and improvement made in her life.I just envied. The old Asta would just despise my staying-the-same situation!

Nevertheless, the chat we had that night was wonderful. I've started to see the real Asta that we are the same, fragile and need love and healing. It is the first time I've ever felt that we are close enough to share. I see changes in her, me of course! I see a brand new Asta. Yeah, It was bravo to see that Asta did listen and understand my feelings. I just felt like crying at that time! (I did cry a bit!)

Her words of encouragement and understanding have empowered me a lot. Thank God for everything. May God bless our families with abundant love and peace from YOU. Amen.

Don't Assume You Know It All

The Message--Proverbs 3

5-6
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.

NIV-Proverbs 3

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]

Lord, thanks for reminding! I love you(at least learning to!)

the congi is HYPERACTIVE

What an irritating noise! I just can bear no more and went uptairs to express my anger just now! The man living upstairs is called Mr Au. Can you imagine? He has 2 dogs playing upstairs every day that I always hear their steps running back and forth the house. The noise is around the clock and if this continues, I'm going to be crazy!!! Honey and I have not been sleeping well for a long time!

Of course, though I'm angry, I'm still under good control. I told him how annoying it is to hear all the noise and hope he can do something. Of course I understand what dog lovers think, but he must do something to reduce the negative influence his dogs caused to his neighbours. Or else, this is called selfish!

Oh, what should we do except moving out? God, please help!

Gold Coast

Wow, yesterday morning, honey booked a delux room with seaview at Gold Coast Hotel in Tuen Mun and my impression towards Tuen Mun has changed totally.

It's an inevitable fact that both honey and I are too serious in life, we don't know how to play and relax. But frankly, we'd love to learn. It's a good start yesterday bcause honey took the initiative to make ourselves a relaxing holiday. We didn't join the 7.1 parade. We supported it deep in our hearts. Instead, we stayed in the hotel and tried to enjoy everything.

The room is big and has a stunning view and a giant balcony. Wow, when you step out on the balcony, you see a vast blue sky and beautiful sea. We saw planes flying over Lantau as well. It;s so comfortable. Sky in Kowloon is limited and blocked!!! I hate that! It has been such a long time that i really enjoy and relax. Thank God and I love you honeycheung. Thanks for the arrangement. We also went to the swimming pool and had a swim there. Of course honey could not swim at the moment, but it's cool to stay in the water and had sunbathing. I just wonder, why do we have to fly such a long way to Samui Island when you can find one in Hong Kong. Of course, the food in Thailand is cheaper. But when honey needs enough rest before heading for any journey abroad, Gold Coast is a wonderful choice.

This morning, I woke up quite early at 8.30. I just wanted to stroll around the area. Though I'd love to walk to the Gold Dolphin Square, I didn't because it's too far away under the bright, hot sun. Anyway, I went back to the shopping mall we visited last night. When I arrived, I saw something wonderful. It was a fish jumping out of the water again and again. It's just like flying. Wow!!! It's amazing! What a lovely scene. Then, a man, looks like a Pakistan, came to me and asked me what time it was. I told him the time in English and he spoke in his own langauge that I don't know. However, it seemed that I could understand him, I showed him my mobile phone clock. He's happy and went back to the bench chair to enjoy the morning sun. Later, he shouted and signalled me to sit beside him. I just smiled back and moving my head to tell me that no need. (Though he's friendly, it's still dangerous in sit beside somebody who is a total stranger to you when there's nobody around.) Everything seems so tranquil. Thank God for your creation. I've just found that Tuen Mun is not a bad place. Gold Coast is bravo! Then, I went to Cha Chan Tang and 7-11 to buy honey his favouite breakfast and newspapers respectively. I walked back to the hotel with a happy heart after that.

Hm...what a nice holiday!

My childhood

I just cried when I heard this song...

Childhood--Michael Jackson

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth

Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood...



It's a touching song. Lucky that I viewed the 60 mins on youtube and found that MJ wrote this song that reflects the very bottom feelings of his heart. He's such a poor kid who yearns for love. The DJ's right. He's home now. He's now in the arms of Jesus who will compensate what he didn't have on earth: parental love, acceptance and respect from the media. He must be very tired and exhausted. God, may you love him and let him have peace in your love...Amen.

Lucky that I have a happy childhood. I still have lots of happy memories to taste. Thank God that ka chun can share most with me.

MJ has such a beautiful, "childlike", angel voice. Would it be a gift from God to compensate him for the lost of his childhood?

I hate you

快樂往往不是來自擁有得多,而是計較得少.
Happiness is not to own a lot but do not haggle over too much.

你當倚靠耶和華而行善, 住在地上, 以他的信實為糧. 詩37:7
Trust in Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Psalms 37:3

Clara recently has started to send me scripts every day...The verse I received today is reminding me something. Yeah, I'm an unhappy person for too many years since 13 years old. I want to stop and be a happy person, I just don't know how. Whenever I think of mom & dad, I panick and feel worried. When I look at my younger bro and sis, I can feel the weigh on my shoulders. They have to grow up, be practical, independant and responsible for their own lives. So do I. I have to let go. There is no point in wasting time in being depressed. Do I choose it? I just feel that I am losing hope and energy in life.

Today, I felt nervous to meet Grace again coz I didn't want to mention about all the unhappy things happened in the past few months. The most painful fact is that I seem to learn nothing?! I haven't grown up at all. Health seems to deterioate, husband's lumbar problem, staying in hospital for weeks, helping husband to ease the pain by massages though I feel tired sometimes, losing my baby again...Grace seems to gain a lot. I really envy! I'm tired of everything. I don't want to pray and don't know how to pray...I'm tired of hearing Grace mention about how God gives her answers, how grateful she is in life...I start to feel sick of it! I just don't want to meet her anymore. I feel like crying today the feeling of helplssness comes back and I realize I have no one to talk to. I feel very lonely. I have talked to YOU, but so what!

But I'm contradicting. I know I have nothing if I leave YOU, I know I'm weak now. What should I do??? It's frustrating to think about what I should do in the future. I have no confidence and direction at all. It seems to me that I have no more mission in teaching. I really hate that! I'm tired of being ill-treated by this profession. I hate Coconut. I worked so hard to be a good, responsible teacher but she always find faults and play office politics on nice teachers. I hate the NP2C principal, she told lies and made me a supply teacher and lose the providant fund. She made use of me to take up another class so that she could save money for hiring a supply teacher. She burnt me out for teaching 3 full classes English, drama and geography. I hate myself for not knowing how to confront with people. I hate principal Cheng for trusting students instead of recognising my effort made there. I hate myself for losing confidence in teaching that F.3 class. I hate Mrs Leung for pushing me to teach 3B that year and I was burn-out because of all these! I hate my mom for her torturing us mentally, emotionally and physically. I hate my dad for being cowardice in protecting himself and us and spoiling mom. I HATE all these DAMN things!!!I hate myself for losing hope in life...

5 people you meet in heaven

Last night, I watched "Five People You Meet in Heaven" with honey husband. Actually, when I tried to find the book, I've discovered that it was bought in October, 2004. I remember I was working at NP2C at that time and only finished reading the first chapter. After that, this book was put right away.

It's really a nice, inspiring film. I think I prefer watching films to reading, most of the time. I quite enjoy the visual stimulation and presentation of the book. (Maybe I am lazy to have the imagery in my mind!) And I wonder who I will meet in heaven. I told HH that I will meet I a little bird that I killed when I was very small. I felt guilty of it. I tried to take it for a bath and drown it. How evil I was! Little bird, I am sorry!

Just like what the Bible mentions, you will bring the unfinished business to heaven. If the heaven is like what is being shown in the film, that's quite nice. The five people will help you figure out the question marks in life and untangle your mess, frustrations and worries in life and finally, you will be set free as a bird (maybe a Fung Wang) and go back to Lord father with love.

My Favourite Quotations:

• "We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."
• "All the people you meet here have one thing to teach you." Eddie was skeptical. His fists stayed clenched. "What?" he said. "That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind."
• "Fairness doesn't govern life and death. For if it did, no good man would ever die young."
• "It is because the spirit knows deep down that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else. And in that small distance, lives are changed."
  "One withers, another grows."
• "Each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."
• "Strangers," the Blue Man said,"are just family you have yet to come to know."
• "No life is a waste," the Blue Man said. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."
• "All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped."
• "That's what heaven is. You get to make sense of your yesterdays."