I hate you

快樂往往不是來自擁有得多,而是計較得少.
Happiness is not to own a lot but do not haggle over too much.

你當倚靠耶和華而行善, 住在地上, 以他的信實為糧. 詩37:7
Trust in Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Psalms 37:3

Clara recently has started to send me scripts every day...The verse I received today is reminding me something. Yeah, I'm an unhappy person for too many years since 13 years old. I want to stop and be a happy person, I just don't know how. Whenever I think of mom & dad, I panick and feel worried. When I look at my younger bro and sis, I can feel the weigh on my shoulders. They have to grow up, be practical, independant and responsible for their own lives. So do I. I have to let go. There is no point in wasting time in being depressed. Do I choose it? I just feel that I am losing hope and energy in life.

Today, I felt nervous to meet Grace again coz I didn't want to mention about all the unhappy things happened in the past few months. The most painful fact is that I seem to learn nothing?! I haven't grown up at all. Health seems to deterioate, husband's lumbar problem, staying in hospital for weeks, helping husband to ease the pain by massages though I feel tired sometimes, losing my baby again...Grace seems to gain a lot. I really envy! I'm tired of everything. I don't want to pray and don't know how to pray...I'm tired of hearing Grace mention about how God gives her answers, how grateful she is in life...I start to feel sick of it! I just don't want to meet her anymore. I feel like crying today the feeling of helplssness comes back and I realize I have no one to talk to. I feel very lonely. I have talked to YOU, but so what!

But I'm contradicting. I know I have nothing if I leave YOU, I know I'm weak now. What should I do??? It's frustrating to think about what I should do in the future. I have no confidence and direction at all. It seems to me that I have no more mission in teaching. I really hate that! I'm tired of being ill-treated by this profession. I hate Coconut. I worked so hard to be a good, responsible teacher but she always find faults and play office politics on nice teachers. I hate the NP2C principal, she told lies and made me a supply teacher and lose the providant fund. She made use of me to take up another class so that she could save money for hiring a supply teacher. She burnt me out for teaching 3 full classes English, drama and geography. I hate myself for not knowing how to confront with people. I hate principal Cheng for trusting students instead of recognising my effort made there. I hate myself for losing confidence in teaching that F.3 class. I hate Mrs Leung for pushing me to teach 3B that year and I was burn-out because of all these! I hate my mom for her torturing us mentally, emotionally and physically. I hate my dad for being cowardice in protecting himself and us and spoiling mom. I HATE all these DAMN things!!!I hate myself for losing hope in life...