My sis just called and she was crying. I felt so sad and broken-hearted to hear that. She couldn't sleep for the whole night due to my mom's emotion explosion next room! Dad was again suffering from her lost of control in everything for the whole night, verbal abuse, physical abuse...What can he do, as usual? Tolerance! Is this called love or cowardice or innocence or fragile? She told me that she felt very painful, so was my younger bro. He said that it was intolerable because the air was filled with horror and fear. He heard my mom shout, scream and hit, mention about the "fox woman", accuse dad of losing her watch and earrings...Maybe all these are just her excuses or tactful tricks to shift our attention from her losing of money in gambling in the US. (Why not? It happens all the time!) I understand exactly how they felt because it was my usual daily experience when I was living in that house! I really don't want to see them suffer, to be frank, though my mom is the one who abuses, she also suffers. (Sometimes, I hate to be sympathetic...after all, who sympathizes us? This is the saying I often get from counsellors when they can do nothing to help! "remember, you mom is also a victim, forgive her!") We are all victims! I don't want to be one, I hate to be one. We all don't want to be ones!
I felt so angry that I really wanted to shout out loud, so loud that God could hear it! Can YOU hear me? Why my mom is like that? Why my dad always has to be abused and be the victim? Why my mom has such threatening, selfish characters? Why my mom doesn't face her own problems? Why God doesn't help? Can YOU hear me,? Can YOU help me? Can YOU help??? I feel so frustrated, worried and frightened that one day, my dad would burst into real anger...
I was anxious about my sis' situation and I called the praying heart hotline yesterday morning to seek help. I spent for, let say, nearly half an hour. It was indeed a kind of struggle and torture for me to recall all the bad, horrible experiences related to mom, but I did, hoping that the woman on the other side of the phone could really help. In the end, I felt a bit exhausted and insecure and ridiculous when she asked me whether I am a Christian, of course I am! Then, she told me that I should try my best to help my sister and pray for her, with her. Of course I did, I AM DOING SO, I will and I always do so! At last, she told me that there is no use for me to call her, it must be my sis to take the initiative to make the call for help so that they can arrange for a counselling session for her later, "but mind you, you have to wait for at least 6 weeks! Is that OK?" "SHIT!!!" I just felt so angry that I really want to scold her, but I didn't because there was no use in doing it! (I had already wasted my time and energy and hope!!! Why not saving them! ) Can you imagine? THIS IS CALLED HELP!
After the call from my sis and bro tonight, I called another hotline (和諧之家男士熱線) with desperate hope. The man didn't disappoint me, he did more or less the same thing as the woman did yesterday. He asked me lots of questions and details, but in the end, he still said that dad should call instead of me!!! He asked me to leave my phone number and name for reference. The last question he asked was how old I am! What?! He is called Mr Tsui! What a good helper! How come I've never learnt a lesson? Should I continue to waste my time? Why can't I learn to be more practical and cleverer? Should I trust that they are professionals who can really help us with life and death matters? No, I would seek every chance calling and asking for ways to help no matter what. I want a happy, healthy family. I want my famiily to be happy and healthy! I shouldn't give up. After all, I am in a better situation now than years ago, a girl who was fragile and desperate!
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