Just a bit tongue-tied today and could hardly express what I really want. Anyway, the message that I got today is to have self-talk whenever abusive horrible scenes come to my mind. I have to conquer and say what is right to mom in mind to justify her wrongs! Ok, I'll try!
Say what is right and that's it!
I've been good enough to mom and it's done!
Dr Chan has also reminded the importance of learning to live properly like a man!
2009年8月3日 星期一
2009年7月26日 星期日
Stand Firm at Times of Difficulties
It's really a difficult time for me and honey to cope with. The medicines seem not be able to help honey. I can feel that he's really depressed. Something must have happened but he just wouldn't tell maybe because of face problems.
At such times, I tend to grasp things and people around hoping that they can save us. But the fact is that we are ALL fragile with our own difficulties. The passage I read just now tells me to stand firm:
"The best thing I can do is to stand firm and listen for the Lord’s voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out … they know his voice...Take the time to comfortably lie at the feet of your master, waiting for His instruction. It is often heard in our silence and spoken by a small still voice."
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still (Exodus 14:13).
13 Moses spoke to the people: "Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation for you today. Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you're never going to see them again. 14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!" (The Message)
At such times, I tend to grasp things and people around hoping that they can save us. But the fact is that we are ALL fragile with our own difficulties. The passage I read just now tells me to stand firm:
"The best thing I can do is to stand firm and listen for the Lord’s voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out … they know his voice...Take the time to comfortably lie at the feet of your master, waiting for His instruction. It is often heard in our silence and spoken by a small still voice."
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still (Exodus 14:13).
13 Moses spoke to the people: "Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation for you today. Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you're never going to see them again. 14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!" (The Message)
The author called Cliff Young said we can learn a lot from a dog’s loyalty, trustworthiness, and faithfulness to his master. (I hope my Lok-lok is like that!) It all starts by learning to stay, sit, and stand firm.
OK, I'll learn to stand firm and wait.
Session 2: Recognition of My Hurts
Last Friday, I went to see Dr Chan right after my lunch with Clara, Yan and Asta. He asked me how I had felt in the past few days. Well, the feelings are awkward. I can feel my eyes are enlarged outside but very tired inside. Sometimes, I feel scared and my head is stuck and can hardly think.
When he asked about how I feel about mom, I felt like I was about to cry. Tears almost fell down! He said that now that I am an adult, I can be free from her influence. I can fly high and pursue my own life. But the only thing is that I have to recognise all the hurts caused by mom. It's vague. I just don't know how. He said that it's unhealthy to be stuck in the middle of anger, guilt and forgiveness. I can forgive her but it doesn't mean that she hasn't done anything wrong to me. I have to admit that she DOES hurt me. I just feel very tired when thinking about all these past horrible scenes. Dear Lord, can YOU help me find a way out? He spent quite a long time talking with me and told me to come back with answers next time...he said I need to find a fulcrum to help me vent my feelings. (Either honey or him!!!)
When I came out, I saw a long queue waiting! I did feel better after talking to him because I don't have to pretend to be strong anymore. I can just be myself inside the room.
When he asked about how I feel about mom, I felt like I was about to cry. Tears almost fell down! He said that now that I am an adult, I can be free from her influence. I can fly high and pursue my own life. But the only thing is that I have to recognise all the hurts caused by mom. It's vague. I just don't know how. He said that it's unhealthy to be stuck in the middle of anger, guilt and forgiveness. I can forgive her but it doesn't mean that she hasn't done anything wrong to me. I have to admit that she DOES hurt me. I just feel very tired when thinking about all these past horrible scenes. Dear Lord, can YOU help me find a way out? He spent quite a long time talking with me and told me to come back with answers next time...he said I need to find a fulcrum to help me vent my feelings. (Either honey or him!!!)
When I came out, I saw a long queue waiting! I did feel better after talking to him because I don't have to pretend to be strong anymore. I can just be myself inside the room.
2009年7月16日 星期四
Session 1:Rainbow
Yeah, I went to Dr Chan finally today!
He told me that I have depression. As I expected. He told me not to think of my babies as babies. They didn't have nerves and feelings yet! They were just embryos. We just did the same thing like many other parents did. We all don't want them to suffer more. I told him that I've realized my feelings of hating to see babies and to hear pregnancy recently. They are getting stronger...I just hate them! The feeling of jealousy seems overwhelming as well!
Honey and I then went to a vegetarian take-away store(三得素食) to buy something good to eat. After that, we went uptairs to Commercial Book Stores to buy books. I bought one about how to keep pores fine and clean. We also bought the 3M Electric Desktop Paper shredder. Though it's a bit slow and it has limitation, it's still better than the manual one. Lastly, we went home by taxi. On the way home, near Hung Hom, I saw a huge rainbow hanging across the sky for a few seconds. Wow, it's beautiful! as the taxi moved forward, we lost the track of it. It's been such a long time taht I haven't see one, a huge one like this. I remember I used to see one after rain at my childhood home in Homantin. Actually, I know that the one I saw today started at Homantin and ended in Hung Hom.
The RAINBOW is just a sign of hope to me. It matters a lot to me. Thank YOU!
photo taken from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kishimi/994691714/
2009年7月15日 星期三
Sound of Cicadas
I should start to learn how to heal and love myself with the strength from God.
Step 1: Appreciate the beauty of the world around me.
It has been such a long time that I haven't stopped to enjoy the orchestra played by cicadas. I still remember I used to have fun with my neighbours to catch cicadas in summer when I was in primary school. As we were surrounded by nature, a rare living place existed in urban Kowloon area, it's a common phenomenon to see them resting on trees. When we were able to catch them, we would tie a thread on their legs and let them fly, in the end, the funniest part would be we flew cicadas instead of kites. We were all cold-blooded and crazy when we were small. It's a kind of monstrous game. Of course the destiny of these little creatures would be fatal!
This morning, I just stopped in the middle of the road leading to KCR University Station and enjoyed the sound of nature. Wow, the sound is loud and clear. It's just the same one I heard 2X years ago!
Step 1: Appreciate the beauty of the world around me.
It has been such a long time that I haven't stopped to enjoy the orchestra played by cicadas. I still remember I used to have fun with my neighbours to catch cicadas in summer when I was in primary school. As we were surrounded by nature, a rare living place existed in urban Kowloon area, it's a common phenomenon to see them resting on trees. When we were able to catch them, we would tie a thread on their legs and let them fly, in the end, the funniest part would be we flew cicadas instead of kites. We were all cold-blooded and crazy when we were small. It's a kind of monstrous game. Of course the destiny of these little creatures would be fatal!
This morning, I just stopped in the middle of the road leading to KCR University Station and enjoyed the sound of nature. Wow, the sound is loud and clear. It's just the same one I heard 2X years ago!
2009年4月23日 星期四
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